On the surface it was a day like any other. A light drizzle coated Wrexham as people trudged between Primark and the 99p store. A hundred yards or so up the street stood Wrexham County Borough Museum & Archives. It lurked in a corner, waiting for the curious and cautious alike. Within its cavernous interior stood one of the most powerful agents of change known to man. It’s role in the great scheme of things long forgotten; suffocated beneath the detritus of empire.
The Golden Badger of Wrexham, a creature which could assume any shape, the better to carry out its mission of world peace and stuff, waited and waited for the chosen one to wake it from its involuntary slumber. In the great Norse Sagas it was foretold that he who shall speak from the Rosetta text will have the power to release the badger from its chains and raise the nation of Celts upon high. Or expand the capacity of the A470 with a system of strategically placed by-passes and contra-flow prioritisation; the translation lacks detail in many areas.
Intrinsic to breaking the spell holding the Badger was Sir Watkin’s frock coat. The most lavish coat of its day it was said that kings looked on with envy and emperors denied the possibility of its existence. But exist it did and does to this day. Made out of fabrics from five continents sourced through Venice at the height of its powers, it is one of the world’s great treasures. Designed by the last of the great pre-enlightenment alchemists, the lining has electrolytic properties which make it a trans-dimensional lightening rod. Know this, know the text and have the mandate of the people and you can wake the badger.
Tearing into the great hall of Wrexham museum, the Golden Badger’s current resting place, The Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM First Minister looked resplendent in the ceremonial coat. His imposing form came to an abrupt halt in front of the glass case containing the physical entity through which the badger’s very soul would be plucked out of eternity and weighed down with the pedestrian millstone of time itself.
Hovering above the case he spoke from the ancient text. He spoke slowly and deliberately. He spoke from carefully selected sections, wary of unleashing the full power of the text. He spoke from deep within his chest. Minutes passed before anything happened. Gradually the glass case began to shake. Then it emitted a piercing note before shattering completely. Carwyn’s SAS trained guards leapt in front of him, afraid for his safety. From the splintered case the badger sprang forth, like a…. badger. It took a deep breath, gazed around the room and spoke.
“You who have released me into this world shall be my ally. You shall have my steadfast loyalty and all the gifts I possess. You and your nation state shall prosper like no other, for your mandate is just. Speak of your plans for we must proceed with haste”.
A stunned Carwyn took a deep breath himself and replied in short order.
“F*#@ me, a talking badger”.