A Consultation Too Far

The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short) are a Welsh Government Special Forces Unit set up to support the work of D.U.M.B (Delivery Unit Meeting-Room B). Their first task is to rescue The Keeper of The Text. The Keeper of The Text is a position of great responsibility upon whom the future of Wales is dependent. She is the guardian of a magical text which only the First Minister can read aloud and which bestows great power. She is currently being held against her will at a secret location. SSAESFCFA will rescue her just as soon as they have completed a few simple procedures. The Golden Badger of Wrexham (AKA Torok the Elder), perhaps the most powerful of them all has been asked to take part in a consultation.

Here I have reproduced the document in its entirety.

Risk Assessment of Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios

Consultation Response Form

Your name: The Golden Badger of Wrexham (AKA Torok the Elder)

Organisation (if applicable): The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short)  (Welsh Government Special Forces Unit)

E-mail / Telephone number:

0300 0603300

Your postal address:

Welsh Government
Cathays Park
Cardiff
CF10 3NQ

Question 1: What are the weaknesses/strengths of the current risk assessment regime?

The current risk assessment regime seems to concentrate on filling out forms rather than doing any rescuing and if anything errs the side of caution. For example I have been provided with protective gloves, to fill out this form, in order to prevent paper cuts. Whilst I appreciate that my safety has been given a very high priority I believe that the form-filling risk assessment carried out in order that I might complete the consultation on the risk assessment procedures of Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios was perhaps a little over protective.

In short, the main risk associated with the risk assessment regime would appear to be that it will prevent any actual rescue ever taking place.

Question 2: Do you think these proposals are a good idea? Why?

I do not think these proposals are a good idea because there is no element of independent monitoring built in. It is all well and good risk assessing Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned-for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios but how can you guarantee the independence of any body tasked with assessing the effectiveness of the assessment.

Only kidding, they’re brilliant. I don’t see why they never used these on Thunderbirds.

Question 3: Can you suggest additional risk factors relating to Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios (in addition to those already listed in Appendix B)?

If you are facing a super villain who refuses to comply with either the letter or the spirit of the Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios risk assessment process this could impact severely on the ability of participants on both sides to adequately evidence their outcomes. If there is one thing that most exemplifies super villain behaviour it is their refusal to engage with any systems of accountability. That and repeated attempts at world domination.

Question 4: When and how often should risk assessments of Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios be carried out?

Immediately before each and every Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenario. For high risk venues such as the Eiffel Tower, The Statue of Liberty or That bit of Cardiff bay that still looks a bit old I would opt for random risk assessment because you never know.

Question 5: Are there any other triggers that should result in risk assessment?

Anyone taking over the national airwaves to demand large sums of money based on the fact that they have a very large and powerful weapon.

The kidnapping of any person with mystical abilities upon which the future of the nation is dependent.

If they are throwing the croissants away at the end of the day in Tescos and they would rather just bin them than give them to you cheap. That’s just mean.

Question 6: At what stage, do you think, people should be able to consent to Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenarios? What factors should impact on/influence this decision?

This is a question of competence and should be judged on a person by person basis. I would definitely go for written consent as this will aid in the monitoring process. We need to remember it is tax payers money we are spending and they have a right to know where it is going.

Question 7: How should the various criteria used to assess the feasibility of a Spontaneous/Unpredicted/Planned for, Real-World Rescue/Attempted Rescue Scenario be weighted?

Do we want to rescue someone?

Will it get us or them killed?

Can we get Europe to pay for it?

Can we get Westminster to pay for it?

Is the rescue sustainable?

Can the rescue be carried out through the medium of the Welsh?

Question 8: What, in your view, would be the best standard format for conducting risk assessments (to help ensure a consistent approach across Wales) – for example, tick-box, proforma?

Yeah tick boxes, definitely. That should do it.

Question 9: We have asked a number of specific questions. If you have any related issues which we have not specifically addressed, please use this space to report them:

Please enter here:

I just cut my finger on the pen. The gloves, they do not work.

Responses to consultations may be made public – on the internet or in a report. If you would prefer your response to be kept confidential, please tick here.

About Not So Great Dictator

I make films featuring Lego and other assorted creatures and historical figures. If you do not think they are all funny, then I am afraid there is something wrong with you. Seek medical attention.
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4 Responses to A Consultation Too Far

  1. Pingback: A Consultation Too Far | scribblah

  2. StoryTeller says:

    Some of that made me laugh out loud. Thanks! :0

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