Cometh The Hour

The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short)  crowded into a small tent at the Eisteddfod. Torok let the door flap fall closed behind him and turned to see one of the most confusing sights this side of Tom Jones’s skin colour.

First Minister the Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM stood behind a large, waist-high table. On the table was the carcass of a sheep. One of Carwyn’s large hands wielded a razor sharp knife which he expertly used to slice sideways as he pulled back the skin with his other, equally large, hand. Both his hands were the same size. As each other.

He spoke as he butchered the sheep like a pro, tossing EU regulation cuts into a CFC free refrigerated unit set to below 5ºC; which was displayed on a clearly visible, digital display. The fridge was in a well ventilated area. The cabinet was tough and easy to clean, on castors so it could be cleaned round the back and made out of stainless steel for lower running costs. Carwyn wore a regulation hair net and apron. Behind him was displayed his food hygiene certificate level 3.

CARWYN

I want you to take half of our forces.

TOROK

Sorry?

CARWYN

For the rescue.

ADAM

We’re going?

CARWYN

You should have gone already I don’t know why you’ve

been wasting time around Cardiff.

KAREN

Every time we think we’re going to get the go ahead

you make us fill out another form.

CARWYN

50 years from now we’ll all be gone.

KAREN

Speak for yourself.

CARWYN

80 years from now, a 100 years, we’ll all be gone. The only

thing left will be Wales. We have the opportunity to build a

nation that will last a 1,000 years. That’s 920 longer than

we’re all going to last.

TOROK

950 in your case.

CARWYN

I want you to bring home the keeper of the text. No matter

what it takes. If people think they can just take what’s ours

we’ll lose all respect internationally. We look after our own.

ADAM

Let’s go then.

CARWYN

Obviously we need to make sure you’re completely compliant.

TOROK

What now?

CARWYN

This is a strategic ministerial decision. There has to be proper

scrutiny. We’re not savages. Draw up a proposal and submit it to

the petitions committee. I’ll see if there’s any money left in the

European Structural Fund for some quick response team training.

Fancy a chop anyone?