Greatness threat level

Due to the recent Brexit vote it is strongly anticipated that Britain will definitely be great again in the very near future.  As a result of this momentous event First Minister The Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM has decided to unilaterally abandon the system of advertising the Terrorism Threat Level and replace it in Wales with more useful Level of Greatness.  Please see below our handy guide to the new system which will come into force immediately.  We thank you for your compliance and appreciate your alertness in all matters of greatness.

What the levels of greatness mean

Levels of Greatness are designed to give a broad indication of the likelihood of greatness.

  • QUITE GOOD.  Still mainly known as an international unit of deforestation
  • RATHER GOOD. Having a musical legend under the age of seventy, who’s not in prison.
  • GREAT.  Beating New Zealand at rugby without the use of knives, guns or nipple tweaking.
  • FULL ON GREAT.  Someone from Wales gets to be boss of something really important in England maybe even Prime Minister
  • BLOODY FANTASTIC.  A successful invasion of Patagonia and Wrexham AFC in the Premier League.

 How are greatness levels decided?

The greatness level for Wales is set by the Department of Actual Greatness (DAG).

Welsh Government is responsible for setting the greatness levels based on sporting, musical and other domestic and international accomplishments.

In reaching a judgement on the appropriate greatness level in any given circumstance several factors need to be taken into account.

These include:

  • Available intelligence. It is rare that specific accomplishment information is available and can be relied upon. More often, judgements about Welsh greatness will be based on a wide range of information, which is often fragmentary, including the level and nature of current sporting/cultural/economic activity, comparison with greatness levels in other countries and previous spontaneous outbreaks of greatness. Intelligence is only ever likely to reveal part of the picture.
  • Greatness capability. An examination of what is known about the capabilities of the Welsh Rugby Union and the method they may use based on previous encounters with The All Blacks or from intelligence. This would also analyse the potential scale of the any victory over The All Blacks.
  • Greatness intentions. Using intelligence and publicly available information to examine the overall aims of sports or music stars and the ways they may achieve them including what sort of products they would consider endorsing. A German car or a posh perfume would indicate intentions of greatness.
  • Timescale. The greatness level expresses the likelihood of achievements in the near term. We know from past incidents that some achievements take years to plan, while others are put together more quickly. In the absence of specific intelligence, a judgement will need to be made about how close greatness might be to fruition. Greatness levels do not have any set expiry date, but are regularly subject to review in order to ensure that they remain current.

How should you respond?

Greatness levels in themselves do not require specific responses from the public. They are a tool for government officials working across different sectors of the Central Unified Notification Team (C Team) and the DAG to use in determining what Boasting Standard (BS) response may be required.

Vigilance is vital regardless of the current national level of greatness. It is especially important given the expected increase in national greatness. Sharing national greatness levels with the general public keeps everyone informed. It explains the context for the various government measures (for example smug, self important announcements or press conferences about roads) which we may encounter in our daily lives.

If you have information about possible greatness, call the Greatness Hotline: 02016 666 666.

The Greatness Hotline is for tip-offs and confidential information. For warnings about anti greatness activity or other urgent threats please call 999.

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The story so far

The missing bit off the top of the Rosetta Stone contained both an alien language and ancient Welsh.  Deep underneath the Senedd lies a transcription of the Welsh text which gives the person who re…

Source: The story so far

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Pasta Print Perfect!

This gallery contains 8 photos.

Originally posted on scribblah:
The tabletop pasta maker had it’s first trial as a mobile printing press today. RESULT!!!!! It worked beautifully. It’s taken ages to renovate because we had stored it in a really damp cupboard and it was…

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Britain Decides (a report from 2021)

Immediately upon entering his second term as prime minster the Rt Hon David Cameron MP decided to unveil his great plan for the next 5 years. For some time he had been alarmed by the close proximity of foreign lands the other side of the English Channel.   During his first term, reports had filtered through of a Romanian scheme to begin fracking under the House of Lords.

According to the Daily Mail, the Romanians had developed a revolutionary system using top secret, communist technology, funded by benefit claims in Islington. They openly boasted that their fracking rods could pump top quality UK PLC gas out from under the mother of parliaments, all the way from Bucharest.

Enraged that honest, decent, hard working, god fearing, British voters could be diddled out of their hard earned fossil fuels the Prime Minister announced his plan to move all of Europe and Asia, significantly to the right.  This was to be done, not in any ideological, political way but in a very real physical sense, putting Britain out of reach of any underhanded Euro probing for good.

Artists impression of what it would definitely, probably look like if this sort of thing happened.

Artists impression of what it would definitely, probably look like if this sort of thing happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plans for the HS2 link to Birmingham were put on hold while honest, decent, hard working, god fearing, British moat scientists got to work.  After three years they had found the forms for ordering paper clips and now there was nothing to stop them.

By the fifth year they had installed the “de-foreignator” at Dover and alerted the appropriate authorities. In the final year of the administration the nation awaited the result of the in-out EU referendum like a hedgehog waits for a speeding car.

The officially, non partisan, impartial referendum question was “Shall we capitulate to Europe, giving up all sovereignty, pride, honour, dignity and self respect? Answer YES or NO. A yes would mean having to apply to Europe for permission to use the de-foreignator. A no would mean having to apply to America for permission to use the de-foreignator.

It was tense.  When the result came through a jubilant David Cameron began filling out the forms for permission to use the de-foreignator and called a snap election. The nation rejoiced, reason had prevailed and they all lived happily ever after.

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The Priestland Debate

The Priestland/Hook debate has gone on for a number of years now. Here is my contribution.  

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The story so far

The missing bit off the top of the Rosetta Stone contained both an alien language and ancient Welsh.  Deep underneath the Senedd lies a transcription of the Welsh text which gives the person who reads it great power. The only person who can read from it is First Minister the Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM.   He cannot read from the text however, without Julie the Grand Keeper of the text.  Julie has been kidnapped by Tonya Ap Dafydd and is being held in Llandeilo, against her will; obviously.

To get her back Carwyn Jones has put together a team of super heroes the like of which Wales has never seen.  Torok The Elder AKA  The Golden Badger of Wrexham is a shape shifting alien.  International tight-head-prop Adan Jones is the physical manifestation of the Sleeping Giant of Abercraf.  Karen Fremp is a member of he Welsh secret service, known internationally as The Welsh People (TWP for short).  In a bid to extricate themselves from bureaucratic inertia the government has recently appointed Vampire Elvis to lead the team.

With a new leader and a revitalized vision of greatness they are now set to rescue the keeper of the text and put Wales back on the map. As our only claim to fame for the past hundred years has been as an international unit of measurement for large areas; usually affected by disasters, being on the map is crucial.  Stay tuned for more great adventures.

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The Road

preferred-routeVampire Elvis  strolled nonchalantly through the corridors of power as if he owned them. He had recently been strolling through the corridors of empowerment.  These were a new initiative from the Communities and Tackling Poverty portfolio which mainly consisted of making the ceilings of the corridors of power slightly lower so Welsh people could feel taller.  This would give them a sense of empowerment, leading to statistically greater levels of overall achievement during their careers.

Vampire Elvis had hit his head three times in the first four minutes and was trying to find his way around the Welsh Assembly using only the corridors of power. There were now so few actual corridors of power that he did indeed feel like he owned them.  A hand suddenly snaked out from a doorway, grabbed him by the collar and yanked him into an office.

First Minister the Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM pinned him up against a wall and glanced at the door like a cornered animal. His foot flew out and kicked the door closed.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

 Uh, hu, I er…… I just think of you as a friend man….

Well, more like an acquaintance actually….

CARWYN

No, don’t be stupid mun. I’ve got it. I know what it’s all about.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh hu…

CARWYN

A road.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh hu….

CARWYN

A mighty road.  A road to last down the ages.  A road

songs will be written about. Poems; sonnets……

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Isn’t that just a type of poem?

CARWYN

This road will free the nation from poverty. It will deliver

salvation. Un-imagined wealth will pour down this road

into the heartlands of Wales. It will be like no road the world

has ever seen. Magnificent in its design and intent, it will

lift the spirit of the nation.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh, hu….

CARWYN

People will speak of this road in hushed tones; scared that

saying its name out loud will break the spell cast by its transcendent

majesty. Generations will come to know and revere its power.

They shall worship it as the source of all that is good and true

in Wales.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

You’re crumpling my shirt man.

CARWYN

We shall be it’s creators. We shall summon forth the joyous

wind of change that brings with it…….. THE BLACK ROUTE.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

All roads are black Carwyn. It’s the tarmac.

CARWYN

No it’s the M4 corridor around Newport. We call it the black route

because….. Well everyone liked the black rout. To be honest I’m

glad the cerise route didn’t get many votes. It doesn’t sound

anywhere near as cool.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

So………

CARWYN

So we need to get  The Keeper of The Text, released.

This road must happen.

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Deciding the criteria to be used to define Nail, Head and Hit.

A room with a big table

In rooms such as these, decisions of vital import to our great nation are taken.

First Minister the Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM sat at the head of the massive table that was the heart of Committee Room B. His broad shoulders rose and fell with pensive breathing. Matters of state bore down on him with the turbulent might of a nation’s ill will. Deep in his heart he knew the future of Wales would stand or fall by his hand. It gnawed at him like a cancer. Ate away at his soul, day and night.

The text was the key. The text would enable him to exercise his will to the full. Only with access to the power of the text could he ensure that enterprise and entrepreneurship were promoted to the fullest extent so Wales could ‘maximise experiential learning opportunities available for young people to explore entrepreneurship at national, regional and local level’ as outlined in the Youth Entrepreneurship Strategy (YES) Action Plan 2010-15. An assessment methodology which included an evaluation framework to measure impact including qualitative and quantitative measures and international benchmarking would make this giddy dream a reality but the text was the thing. The text would deliver success.

For this reason he had called an emergency meeting of D.U.M.B (Delivery Unit Meeting-Room B). The Delivery Unit, most famous for being part of the Strategic Planning, Finance and Performance Directorate was the keystone of search for the Keeper of the Text. For this meeting of D.U.M.B. The First Minister had summoned The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short). Newly appointed head of the team, Vampire Elvis leaned across the giant table and looked The First Minister in the eye.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

What’s shakin baby?

CARWYN

I’ll tell you what’s shaking.  I’m shaking.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh huh?

CARWYN

Things up.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

OK….

CARWYN

Shaking, things up. I split it up. You said what’s shaking…

Then I said I’m shaking… and you all thought shaking like

i’m being cool and that….. Dancing, shaking…. Then I said,

things up. Shaking… things up.

TOROK

Yeah, no, we….  That was pretty clear.

CARWYN

It was a pun, like a play on words so it’s funny but it also

made me sound dynamic…

TOROK

Not so much.

CARWYN

Not funny or not dynamic?

TOROK

That’s right.

CARWYN

Which one?

TOROK

Is that the time?

CARWYN

I’m trying out some new script writers. It could go either

way….

TOROK

Perhaps when we get the keeper back eh…

CARWYN

Yeah that’s what I wanted to talk about.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh huh..

CARWYN

I’m launching an investigation.

TOROK

Into what?

CARWYN

Into what’s stopping us from rescuing the keeper.

ADAM JONES

For Christ Sake we could go and rescue her now. We could walk

out that door and be in Llandeilo in an hour.

CARWYN

That’s what I’m saying. We need to know why you haven’t done that.

KAREN

It’s called bureaucratic inertia.

CARWYN grabs a pen and paper

CARWYN

Bureaucratic in…. ?

KAREN

Inertia.

CARWYN

I know what you mean. It’s like we can’t get going because of all

the rules and regulations.

ADAM JONES

And strategies and policies and consultations and assessments

and assessment criteria and outcome assessments, input assessments

output assessments. Has anybody done an assessment of how

many assessments are being done?

CARWYN scribbles frantically.

CARWYN

Brilliant. You’re saying we need to assess the assessment process?

ADAM JONES

No.

TOROK

Yes, that’s definitely the best place to start. We need to define the

assessment criteria………

ADAM JONES

Will you shut up, he’s writing this down.

CARWYN

Right you…

CARWYN points to VAMPIRE ELVIS.

CARWYN

You’re the man to make this happen. I want you to start

an assessment of the assessment criteria used to determine

what is and isn’t a strategically vital area of operational activity.

You.

CARWYN points to KAREN.

CARWYN

You draw up a set of strategic outcomes.

KAREN

Is rescuing the keeper of the text a strategic outcome?

CARWYN

It’s more of an output really but we need to focus here on the

outcomes of the assessment process itself.  Brilliant. We’re really

getting somewhere now.

ADAM JONES

And I thought the new scrummaging laws were complicated.

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Cometh The Hour

The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short)  crowded into a small tent at the Eisteddfod. Torok let the door flap fall closed behind him and turned to see one of the most confusing sights this side of Tom Jones’s skin colour.

First Minister the Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM stood behind a large, waist-high table. On the table was the carcass of a sheep. One of Carwyn’s large hands wielded a razor sharp knife which he expertly used to slice sideways as he pulled back the skin with his other, equally large, hand. Both his hands were the same size. As each other.

He spoke as he butchered the sheep like a pro, tossing EU regulation cuts into a CFC free refrigerated unit set to below 5ºC; which was displayed on a clearly visible, digital display. The fridge was in a well ventilated area. The cabinet was tough and easy to clean, on castors so it could be cleaned round the back and made out of stainless steel for lower running costs. Carwyn wore a regulation hair net and apron. Behind him was displayed his food hygiene certificate level 3.

CARWYN

I want you to take half of our forces.

TOROK

Sorry?

CARWYN

For the rescue.

ADAM

We’re going?

CARWYN

You should have gone already I don’t know why you’ve

been wasting time around Cardiff.

KAREN

Every time we think we’re going to get the go ahead

you make us fill out another form.

CARWYN

50 years from now we’ll all be gone.

KAREN

Speak for yourself.

CARWYN

80 years from now, a 100 years, we’ll all be gone. The only

thing left will be Wales. We have the opportunity to build a

nation that will last a 1,000 years. That’s 920 longer than

we’re all going to last.

TOROK

950 in your case.

CARWYN

I want you to bring home the keeper of the text. No matter

what it takes. If people think they can just take what’s ours

we’ll lose all respect internationally. We look after our own.

ADAM

Let’s go then.

CARWYN

Obviously we need to make sure you’re completely compliant.

TOROK

What now?

CARWYN

This is a strategic ministerial decision. There has to be proper

scrutiny. We’re not savages. Draw up a proposal and submit it to

the petitions committee. I’ll see if there’s any money left in the

European Structural Fund for some quick response team training.

Fancy a chop anyone?

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Impact Assessment

Everything rides up in a jump suit.

There were always going to be issues down below

The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short) stood, resplendent in their Vegas Elvis costumes. Adam Jones pulled himself up to his full height, then pulled his underpants out of his crack with all the dignity he could muster.

Today was the day. Today they would launch the rescue of  The Keeper of The Text, thus unleashing the full power of the text, through which First Minister the Rt Hon Carwyn Jones AM could restore the nation of Wales to greatness.  They stood to attention, awaiting the signal to go.  Vampire Elvis strode along the line, like a sergeant major, eyeing them up and down. With a tear forming in the corner of his eye, he gazed out across Cardiff Bay as if staring directly into the face of destiny. If destiny had a face and lived in Cardiff.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of paper.

KAREN

Is that the plan?

ADAM JONES

Are we going?

TOROK

That’ the blueprints of the evil lair, yeah?

VAMPIRE ELVIS

It’s an impact assessment form.

KAREN

For F***s sake….

VAMPIRE ELVIS

We’ve done all the hard work for you baby. I’ve been three months

in meetings to decide whether or not an impact assessment was

necessary, Uh Huh..

TOROK

What’s an impact assessment?

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Well Sir, this one’s an environmental impact assessment. It’s a

process for identifying the environmental effects, positive

and negative, of proposed actions or activities, developments

or actions to prevent developments or developments to prevent

actions. It’s all laid out in plain English right here. Uh Huh….

ADAM JONES

What are the other ones?

VAMPIRE ELVIS

This one is a socio-economic impact assessment, this one’s an

equality impact assessment, this one’s a regional economic

impact assessment, this one is a local authority resources

impact assessment.

KAREN

Stop speaking now.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh Huh…

KAREN

What are we…. How am I….. You know the keeper is being held

somewhere, right now? Her kidnapper, phoned us up and told

us where. We need to go and get her, now.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Yes Ma’am but any one of our activities could impact negatively

on the environment or one or more socio-economically

disadvantaged groups.

ADAM JONES

Oh Christ… Give us the forms.

VAMPIRE ELVIS

Uh Huh…..

TOROK

I look like a dog in this costume.

It's a badger dressed as Vegas Elvis

Some of the team members looked more magnificent than others.

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