DBS Week Two (the committee stage)

The Grand Keeper of the text sat in the basement of the Rosetta café in Llandeilo. Her cell was a rudimentary affair, mostly furnished with Freecycle sourced Ikea furniture (they do so much with so little space).  It was the second week of her imprisonment and she was beginning to think she had been forgotten. Tonya Rosetta paced about in the café above.  She held her mobile phone like a knife and spoke loudly.

TONYA

Carwyn, hi.

CARWYN

Yeah I know. I’ve got nothing for you.

TONYA

Get me the original text by tomorrow or she dies.

CARWYN

We can’t do anything they haven’t had their DBS through yet.

TONYA

I don’t care. If you want to see her alive again…..

CARWN

I know, I know and I understand but nobody else can bring

the text to you because they haven’t been chosen. I’ve been

chosen but Theodore says it would be a conflict of interest

if I did it.

TONYA

Who the hell’s Theodore?

CARWYN

Theodore Huckle.

TONYA

You’re taking the piss now.

CARWYN

No he’s the Consul General.

TONYA

What’s that?

CARWYN

He’s the government legal adviser, he says I can’t do it.

TONYA

You’re the first minister.

CARWYN

That’s why I have to be careful. I can’t go against agreed

procedures. The scrutiny committee would ask me some

extremely pointed questions. It could get very uncomfortable.

TONYA

Can’t you be a maverick first minister who doesn’t do things

by the book but gets results?

CARWYN

How would I measure the results if I didn’t do things by the

book? I don’t understand what you’re saying. Results can

only be measured against pre-agreed standards. Even then

they have to be set in the context of a holistic approach to

achieving results across the board. Any results must be seen

as part of a Wales wide strategy.

TONYA

Dear god. Is somebody coming down here to give me the text or

at least try to rescue her?

CARWYN

It’s gone out to consultation.

TONYA

What?

CARWYN

It’s in the committee stages. I rushed it through, using the power

of the text, so we managed to reconvene the national emergency

committee.  They’ve insisted it goes out to consultation and the

officials are drafting the consultation guidelines as we speak.

TONYA

I’m going to kill her.

CARWYN

I wish I could give you an answer but I can’t be seen to intervene.

Conflict of interest.  We don’t know what the result of the

consultation will be.

TONYA

Three days.

CARWYN

This is going through as a matter of highest priority. Theodore

says we can get a decision in less than a month.  I can’t predict

what it will be.

TONYA

That’s it, I’m killing her now.

CARWYN

Theodore says that’s illegal.

TONYA

Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Tonya throws the phone across the room and jumps up and down like a child who can’t have a sweet.