Rain lashed down on the Senedd building for the tenth successive day. Dark grey skies hung oppressively over the bay as 70 mile an hour winds blew pensioners off their mobility scooters. A pall of depression and bleak, filthy resignation in the face of another miserable winter descended upon the Capital. The days, barely discernible from the nights were nasty, short and brutal. People scuttled, troll-like and uncaring across roads, praying for the quick release of a fatal collision; the cold hand of death being the only thing that could save them from yet another Christmas in Wales.
Worst of all was the shopping. Shopping was necessary because Father Christmas didn’t visit Wales and hadn’t done since devolution. The inability of the Governments in Westminster and Cardiff to resolve the issue of whether or not Christmas was a devolved matter meant that Santa Clause wasn’t insured to cross the border. Ho, ho, ho, it’s more than my job’s worth, you could hear him crying out, if you listened carefully. This situation persisted until 2013 when The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short) decided enough was enough. Frustrated in their attempts to rescue the keeper of the text thus saving Wales from centuries of exploitation and poverty they decided a quick win was what they needed to gel again, as a team.
The Santa Clause issue would be resolved or they were not worthy of the name The Standard Spending Assessment and European Social Fund Communities First Avengers (SSAESFCFA for short). No longer would people have to leave their homes, braving weather once described by Dickens in 1868 as “the unholy sublimation of Satan’s peevish nature” and by the Daily Mail in 1872 as “An Evil Immigrant Cancer Upon House Prices”. Changing the weather was a bit beyond them but they reckoned they could at least resolve the devolution issue.
Taking themselves, post haste to Westminster, they used Karen’s TWP credentials to gain access to 10 Downing street. The three of them demanded to see the Prime Minister and were politely told he was on holiday and would not be back until the 6th of January. Adam Jones spoke, as for all of them at once.
Oh…… Right….. Is there anybody else we could speak to?
Not really. Parliament’s in recess. They’re all off.
Oh…… Right…… Erm…..
Can we see the documents and that?
What do you mean.
You know the laws. Where it says what’s what. Who
can do what and everything.
They’re all over in parliament. As I said. It’s in recess.
I don’t know what to say really. Erm….
It’s just, we’ve come… You know…. The M4’s murder. And the parking….
It’s so expensive here…..
I know…. Yeah…. I don’t know. Did you want anything in
We want Christmas back. Decent Christmases with snow
and nice stuff. No shopping.
Ah yes… The devolution thing. That’s not even us anymore.
That’s a European thing now. You should have been included.
I don’t know why Santa doesn’t visit Wales any more. It’s
Can I help you with anything else?
Is there a ToysRUs around here anywhere?
And a Lush.
So there we have it. The reason Father Christmas doesn’t come to Wales and we all have to go out into the horrible weather to buy our own presents is down to an administrative oversight. The oversight is possibly at the level of the Welsh, United Kingdom or the European Parliament. If all the little children of Wales really want it and believe in Santa with all their hearts, it won’t make a blind bit of difference because it’s more than his job’s worth to jeopardize his insurance. MERRY CHRISTMAS. HO, HO, HO…..